Many People say I am often shy
But hear my roar and retreat inside
Best describe me the owl that's patient
My passionate soul ill never hide
MAny PEOple say I am OFten SHY
BUT hear MY roar AND reTREAT inSIDE
BEST desCRIBE me THE owl THAT paTIENT
MY paSSIONate SOUL ill NEver HIDE
i am very sorry for the late entry, i have not been able to get hold of any internet connection. Also i was out of the country. Once again very sorry.
ReplyDeleteA good attempt, and thanks for catching up!
ReplyDeleteLet's start by looking at where you have got the rhythm right and where it's gone awry.
Line 1: "Many people" is definitely trochaic. But then you have three iambic feet - "say I am OFten SHY". So you need to rethink the bulk of this line if you can?
Line 2: Read this aloud to yourself. Does it really sound right when you emphasize BUT, MY and AND? To me, this sounds wrong, and the trochaic rhythm eludes you somewhat as a result. How about starting with HEAR: "HEAR my ROAR and THEN reTREAT inSIDE"? See how a small change makes the rhythm fit perfectly. :)
Line 3: "Best describe me" is perfect trochee. :) But the rest of the line goes wrong. Why stress "the" and not "owl". And do you really pronounce it paTIENT? What about something like this? "Best describe me as a patient owl"
Line 4: This ends ok: "SOUL i'll NEver HIDE" is totally trochaic. But do you pronounce it "paSSIONate"? You need to rethink this.
I hope this makes sense: you're getting there, but if you use your EAR, there's no reason you shouldn't conquer it entirely. :)