I am a girl, who is not too loud
Surrounded by books, and cats, and cars,
As the only child, I am so proud
To be one of the eighteen bright stars.
I am A girl, WHO is NOT too LOUD
SURrounDED by BOOKS, and CATS, and CARS,
AS the ONLY child, I am SO proud
TO be ONE of THE eighTEEN bright STARS.
On the positive side, you have got the right number of syllables in all four lines, so well done for managing that! I also like the way in which you have tried to encapsulate your personality in these four lines, including even a mention of the WSC. Fantastic. :)
ReplyDeleteThe problem with this post is the rhythm. Like RCJJ, you're struggling with he TROCHAIC rhythm. Have you tried reading your poem out loud? Even the first four words should show you what is happening. You would not say, "I am A girl" (which is what it would need to be in order to work trochaically; you would say "i AM a GIRL", which would make this iambic. At a push, I guess you could say "I am a GIRL", if you wanted to stress it was about you rather than someone else, but even then it would only mean you had a trochee followed by an iamb. Do you see what I mean?
You can see the problem also just by looking at the word "surrounded". To fit trochaically in your poem, you would need to say it "SURrounDED", when you and I know it is pronounced "surROUNded". Say the word aloud: can you hear it?
I have every confidence you can manage this, if you keep trying - like you have already in Line 3. You just need to keep persevering, and don't hesitate to come and ask me personally for help if you need to. :)