A memorable place
city lights in
every single sight
A tourism
place from day till night
Beaches cleaner
than the sky
I could lay
there till I die
Culture in
every soul
Brought in
every goal
This place I
think
An ancient
link
My past
At last
On the positive side, your poem truly gets to the heart of your city, and we can really feel what it means to you. You have also made a genuine effort to stick to the number of syllables for each line.
ReplyDeleteBut meter and rhythm are much more than about syllables, and your iambic meter is not really there yet.
Line 1: for this to work iambically, we would need to say it like this... ciTY lights IN eVERy SINgle SIGHT. And you know that this would sound silly. To make this line work, therefore, you would need to shift the words along a bit, so that the correct syllables fall where the stresses need to be (i.e. the even syllables, rather than the odd ones). For example, "The city lights in every single sight". See how a simple change makes a massive difference?
Line 2: I won't do all the work for you here, but you can see how the same problems exist here: a TOUriSM place FROM day TILL night ??? Not only is the rhythm and emphasis wrong, but see how you are also one syllable short here.
Only lines 7-10 are correct, in terms of rhythm and meter. So please go back over the rest and see how you can rework it so that it all fits.
A good effort for your first task though.
Dear Ringmaster,
ReplyDeleteCould you perhaps have been more explicit about your city? Though you present a deep connection to this place, we're left wanting where it is, maybe.
A good first attempt, however.