A train that runs
impromptu; back and forth.
It holds surprises;
sometimes worth a shout.
I stay behind and watch it wander north,
Or east, or south, or
west; without a doubt,
I wait for its return. I
wait and wait
Until the train brings
home another friend.
From days to years, a
friendship built so great
Was torn by blares of
trains that marked the end.
Again, I wave goodbye to
what was once
A flash of happiness
within my reach.
The next from Canada, or
Spain, or France,
Or simply separated by a
beach;
My train will journey even
on the sea,
To find a friend who’ll
stay just steps from me.
This is a very sophisticated sonnet indeed. You master the iambic rhythm perfectly, which is no small feat, and your extended metaphor is fresh, original and highly effective. You use caesura and enjambement brilliantly and skilfully, and are growing as a poet with every fortnightly task. Fantastic! And Lines 3-6, especially, are exquisite; and I love Lines 9-12 too.
ReplyDeleteA few minor quibbles, and that's all they are:
1. punctuation in the first couplet: it's all one sentence, and so the two semi-colons should be commas, and the full stop at the end of Line 1 a comma too.
2. Lines 7-8: I know what you are attempting here, but phrases like "from days to years" and "built so great" just seem a little awkward to me, as does your choice of tense (imperfect) when perfect tense would have made it work better with the present of the first 6 lines (e.g. has been torn).
3. I don't see how you could have done Line 13 differently, but somehow the metaphor seems mixed when we have a floating train.
I have to say I had to work VERY hard to find areas for improvement in this poem though. Seriously impressive stuff.
Message to all: the next task will be posted a bit later than usual so expect some delay, please.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
It feels that the one consistent presence in your life is the train...though you refer to one friendship that was built 'so great', it is the train that is the constant friend here. Its a really original and interesting twist on the subject!
ReplyDeleteBe careful to have a clear idea before you begin -- is there one lost friendship here as lines 7-8 suggest, or does each train bring a new but short-lived friendship as lines 2 and 6 imply?
I have to say I really liked your extended metaphor of the train and like englishguru and live-long minutes I found it refreshing and original.
ReplyDeleteBut also perhaps I see in it the idea of friendship as a thread in someone's life that you start, nurture, pause or continue through life. After all, there are different kinds of friendships. If life should be a journey, then the train metaphor does work rather well.