Part I
I really
found the seventh opening really fun to read, it holds a mystery behind the
words and it left me thinking, 'what had happened to this man?' It had held a
conversation between himself and the flight attendant, so I was given a
personal window into the story. The description of his face and torso was
really interesting; it gave me a really good estimation on how this would have
looked like.
In the end,
when he had said, ‘I look
around for anything I might have with me, but there's nothing. No ticket, no
bags, no clothes, no wallet. I sit and wait and I try to figure out what
happened. Nothing comes,'’ it
somewhat makes me feel like he had been moved to another place, like Chicago,
for his own good, or for a mission. It also seems like he has faced amnesia,
somewhat.
Part II
Getting into
trouble was the only thing I could get an A* for. Usually, I would be tortured
for several minutes, but now I could be tortured for days, I had done something
really dreadful to get me into this mess, but I shouldn't tell you because you
may be targeted after they finish me off.
It was
midnight, and I was busy hiding myself between two buildings, it smelled
horrible. Why didn't I pick another stupid alley? I quietly shivered in the
coldness, even though I was sweating madly. I had been running for hours. I
heard a sudden click towards my right and I quietly mumbled a curse, or two.
Click...
His shoes
dragged shadows and his arms dragged blood. His sneer glistened ever so
brightly under the dazzling moon's rays as if he seemed so thrilled to
say, "have a wonderful time being tortured," to my bloodied up face.
I gulped
when I could feel he had stopped and when the air had tensed around me. I shut
my eyes and a split second later, I could feel his coldness seeping into my
skin. When I slowly opened my eyes, I saw that his clothing was ripped as if he
had fallen into a gigantic blender. Everything he wore was black, and the semi-dry
blood on his top had made his scent strong. The stench was disgusting.
He slammed
the gun into my ribs and I nearly choked.
"Have
a pleasant time being tortured by my men. I can't wait to hear your
screams in the shadows."
Well my
wonderful readers, I'm about to be tortured soon, and the only thing I can say
to you is: don’t wish you can live for an eternity; it too as a matter of
fact, has its downsides.
I apologise for uploading Task 5 really late. I had some trouble with the internet. I apologise once more.
ReplyDeleteDear Narcissus T,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. Always a pleasure to read.
Let me start with Part 1. I feel you might have missed the tone of the opening when describing it as "fun to read". Maybe you meant to say that you were engaged in the mystery that pervades the piece as well as the frightening emptiness created by the atmosphere, setting and plot. When you eventually end with the idea that perhaps the character suffered from amnesia, you felt how this matches the feelings of mystery, void and emptiness better.
On with Part 2. I congratulate your sense of mystery. Your opening certainly engages me as your reader which is really good news. I felt you used sensory imagery rather effectively when describing the "baddy", focusing only on some aspects of his characterisation, namely his looks, scent, voice and dreadful words. As a reader, I have quite a few questions which is how I was engaged. You planted seeds and released information sparingly, quite a skill. Well done!
Where I am not so sure is about the organisation of your plot or perhaps the lack of the conventions available to you when moving through time. To me, it feels like your opening is in three parts and yet the piece is laid out as one. You could have either chapters, or breaks in this opening.
In terms of diction, I'm not sure whether or how shoes alone can drag shadows, nor if a sneer can glisten.
All the same, this is a very promising start to fiction.
Lily of the Valley
Hi Narcissus,
ReplyDeleteYou successfully create a strong overall atmosphere of threat in your opening section, and you characterise your protagonist very early on which allows your reader to strike up a connection with them -- the ironic comment about A*s at the beginning mirrors the tone of the 'downsides' comment at the end -- well done!
There are a few things you could work on though:
'Usually, I would be tortured for several minutes, but now I could be tortured for days'
This line needs a few more signals as to the time of each of these episodes of torture, e.g. 'Before, I had only ever been tortured for several minutes at a time, but now I would be tortured for days.'
This makes it clear that your character has just done something to warrant worse punishment. Otherwise, it could be read as more of a boast, as if you're saying 'I could be tortured for days without cracking'...
Your rhetorical question confuses me a little; you are in an alley if you're between two buildings, so do you mean to say 'Why did I pick another stupid alley?' Here, try to use more developed vocabulary than 'stupid', which sounds a little petulant; perhaps you could develop more tension or foreshadowing by calling it a 'death-trap alley' or something that gives us a little more insight into the danger of the situation.
I would also revisit the 'gigantic blender' description. It gives the reader a misleading image of someone being completely liquidised, rather than just having ripped clothing.
Oops... posted before I'd finished! Just a final comment:
ReplyDeleteThe way you drop in the idea of eternal life right at the end is a wonderful surprise for the reader, who suddenly realises that this story may become more than just a thriller, but in fact belong to the completely different genre of fantasy.
Well done Narcissus!
I've got nothing much to add, to be honest, and I agree with the majority of both comments so far. I really enjoyed this - mature, controlled and boding well for your future prose tasks.
ReplyDeleteAnd, for what it's worth, one of my favourite phrases was "His shoes dragged shadows" - original, fresh and highly effective. Well done! :)