Openings
Part 1
To me opening 7 appealed to me, I mean don't you want to know what happened to the man and what is going to happen to him? It opens up the story in a abrupt but interesting way and the description of the state of the man is attention grabbing. The rapid fire conversation going on between the flight attendant and the protagonist is enough to tell you why the protagonist was in there but not enough to slow down the pace set by the opening. The short closing of the opening (or prologue?) is enough for me to want to know what is going to happen to him and what has happened to him.Part 2
I can't die. Are you happy now? I've said what you wanted me to say.
No?
Still listening to me?
Yes?
So you want to know what happened and what I know is going to happen?
So to clarify the "I can't die" statement let me explain who I am and what I am.
I'm immortal and invincible, trapped forever in my bodily age of seventeen, though I'm technically twenty two right now as of this recording. My name is Tyler Hike though I didn't remember that at the beginning, just after I woke up, after I escaped from you. I know you're just documenting me and that the more secretive side of your agency will handle the data afterwards and they want to know what I've been doing from my own view, even when you know everything. In case you don't know the project and specimen, which is me, was called Zeus. Power and Invincibility packed into one package, one body. No matter what happens come explosions or gun fire, I'd just knit myself together again, well more specifically the things in my blood. They'll heal me no matter what happens. I could push my self to the limits and beyond because of the things in my blood. I'm no longer human, I'm better than human, better than you. But you're going to keep me locked up here because I'm tired of fighting, tired of running, tired of escaping. You may laugh at that but I don't really care since it's true.
So I'm going to tell you everything I have seen, everywhere I've been, everything I've done.
But let me warn you I don't give a damn about anything you can do to me, since you can't kill me, not since I killed Heckler. Now I'm just going to tell you about everything. I'm not going to do anything to help me escape.
At least not yet.
(I went over the limit at 319 words but is that fine?)
Opening 7 is indeed really effective. Very well done for noticing the speed of the dialogue and the way it upholds the fast pace of the text. I think this text is also intriguing and attention-grabbing because we recognise the setting so well, yet the events are alien to our usual experience of planes.
ReplyDeleteYour own opening echoes the speed and effect of opening 7 really well -- congratulations. However, I feel that some of this shock value which #7 achieved is lost as we do not get a strong impression of the setting of this narrative, so your character could quite easily be a part of fantasy narrative where this is a more usual scenario.
Your use of short sharp questions is very effective to open the text, though I think you slightly over-do this with the 'No?...Yes?...Happen?' section. There are too many big questions for the reader, too quickly, so I feel I lost the impact of the big ideas such as the character not being able to die, something having happened, and something being about to happen.
Despite this, I still found this a very effective and exciting opening; well done.
I agree - some very effective writing here, although you do overdo a couple of devices, when a little more restraint and subtlety could have benefited you.
ReplyDeleteIt is intriguing and powerfully realised, and I was gripped throughout. I liked the opening sentence very much, and, after the last sentence, really wanted to read on. I just felt that the long, middle paragraph gave me little room for reflection, and I found it somewhat too dense as a result. Hope that makes sense?
Great effort though - and it's wonderful to see you so much more 'at home' in prose than you sometimes felt amid the strictures of metrical verse. :)