1
I think
that the seventh opening is the most effective because it is engaging.
Sometimes, an introduction to the character can be effective, but novels that
tell you more and more as you go along keep you hooked, as you want to know
more.
As far as
we are aware, he knows as little about where he is as we do. This puts us in
his shoes and engages us by making us empathise with him – a little.
The
structure of the sentences also helps to engage the reader. It breaks certain
grammatical expectations: “No ticket, no bags, no clothes, no
wallet.” This short, sharp structure makes the novel fast-paced, less dreary,
and therefore more engaging.
2
I try not
to drink the dirty water splashed onto my face. I can’t blink out the liquid in
my eyes. And I’m not sure that’s water.
My brain
suddenly wakes up at the sharp pain in my legs. They’re being stretched out.
The skin is starting to rip, showing arteries beneath. The agony is
indescribable.
“Are you
going to talk?” Torture is not often done monotonously. This guy obviously
loves it, though.
I grimace
and breathe through my teeth. One foot is ripped off. My scream is just a
shriek of utter despair.
“You
can’t cope much longer, you know.” He turns around. The darkness still shrouds
him. “Everyone has a breaking point.” My other foot has gone numb.
Sweat
rids my face of the water. The agony persists.
“I don’t
care. You’re not getting anything!” I scream the word “thing”. Although I
don’t, my ears have a breaking point.
The
stretching slows down. The agony is increasing so fast I can’t scream.
“Who are
you?” Whimpers often get you the most attention. He still doesn’t care, though.
“That’s
why you’re here.” He swivels around, slowly. “That’s what you told Jenny.”
Jenny!
“What have you done with her?”
I can
only see his mouth. It grins sadistically. “She’s safe.” The grin turns into a
smirk. “For now.”
I writhe
uncontrollably. “Let her go, you freak!” I yell again. The yell echoes around
the metal room. My ears ring, pleading for quiet.
“Do you
know who I am?” I don’t care. I just want this to stop.
“Who?” I
wish I hadn’t asked that. I would have rather died. He stands up and walks into
the light.
“No.” He walks to me.
“No!” He looks over me.
“NO!” She smiles.
Jenny.
“No!” He looks over me.
“NO!” She smiles.
Jenny.
Dear Allspark,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your work. Always original and unexpected.
Indeed, I agree with your impressions and comments on opening 7. I do like the fact that you discussed the effect of the first-person narrative and how it brings the reader inexorably into the story- a frighteningly powerful effect in this case as he is in bad way with no recollection at all of what has happened to him. Very engaging.
Let me congratulate you on your own opening. The last two lines were most definitely shocking as your reader is quite comfortably into your story and not expecting such a sudden turn of events. By the time "Jenny" was mentioned, you revealed her involvement without giving your reader a chance to play detective. Well done!
What I would comment on, however, is your paragraphs and lengths of your sentences. Both are short the whole way through and though it creates rhythm, it also gives a fragmented feeling to the plot. Perhaps, this was done consciously but it seems to me that there were opportunities for you to make use of longer sentences that would have made your shorter ones more powerful. Your character seems well aware of the pain and has enough lucidity to argue with his torturer. I believe you could have developed your narrative in these two instances.
Still, a very promising start to prose. Well done!
Lily of the Valley
The way your character describes his feelings and experience in such detail makes for a very tense and uncomfortable read for us -- well done! You manage this without going over the top on descriptions of blood and gore too, which shows a greater maturity in your writing.
ReplyDeleteBased on this, I would avoid your character's foot actually being ripped off this early in your story. In a strange way it relieves the reader's horrific anticipation of the character's pain; nothing more terrible can now happen to him.
This sentence, 'One foot is ripped off', also may pose an issue to your atmosphere as it creates a sense of detachment between your protagonist and his pain ('one' rather than 'my', etc.) which allows the reader to distance themselves from the tension of reading about it; perhaps not your intention?
The twist you end with is very inventive though, and nicely measured by introducing the character's relationship with Jenny just lines before. Very clever, Allspark!
Not much more to say that hasn't already been said, and I agree with both comments so far (including the point about the foot!).
ReplyDeleteI actually really like the nakedness and sparsity of your pared-down prose here, and think it works for this task - but, for me, the interesting thing will be seeing whether you can adapt to different genres with a richer, more complex and layered syntax in future tasks.
I think you weave a compelling and disturbing narrative here with immense skill. Well done!