Part One
★★★★
In my opinion, the purpose of a
story’s opening is to set the scene, and the best way to do so is through
imagery. Within the ten openings, I believe that number three had the better imagery
as it revealed vivid colors that are easy to imagine as well as surprising contrast
choices that are presented extraordinarily well.
The line that captured me the most
was “black crows gorge on bright mangoes”. My first
impression was that black crows and bright mangoes are not compatible as crows
are known to feast on rotten leftovers or dead carcasses. The choice of the
bird crow seems unexpected but it also foreshadows further into the story as
crows symbolizes both magic and deception, whereas the mango fruit signifies an
eternal love. This presents a pleasantly unsettling mood as the readers envision
a pitch black splotch on a bright love story.
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Part Two
★★★★
★★★★
The colorless sky, no gray, nor blue, held the ardent,
gleaming sun as its core; it mocked me. I felt the noon time ravens glare holes into me with their deep
white eyes, threatening me.
A summers day terrorized my very existence; its heat enough to make me bawl.
I tasted the sweetness of my saliva accompanied by the common
saltiness of sweat; an overwhelming yet familiar bitter sensation. Licking my
lips, I laughed so subtly.
Then my body moved accordingly.
The cicadas sang to my steps as I waltzed past a blistering
red light. Nothing could stop me; not even myself.
Laughing so coldly, tears streamed down my pale cracked
skin, falling into an uncontrollable leer, trapped in a meaningless chortle.
A discriminating impact destroyed my questionable sanity. An
indescribable rustic red stained the ashen reality I lived in; my walls
crumbled under the pressure.
Exposed to a new world, I closed my eyes. Lying on a
crossroad, I smelled the heat; a sour numbness choked my senses.
A scream; a crowd; a corpse; an endless routine.
Then I awake.
In a silent bedroom, an inharmonious heart beats. 00:00, June 21st. It was the summer solstice; a death solstice.
Lateness due to internet problems.
ReplyDelete.Sorry.
Dear Lemonic T,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your work.
I agree with your impressions on opening 3. Indeed, it is filled with a myriad of sensory imagery that may even create an overwhelming feeling on the reader, hence this duality in feeling both extatic and unnnerved.
Now, let's see about your own opening. I feel you have been inspired by the opening you chose to comment on in part 1 and I embrace this. You admired the overall picture created by the sensory imagery and its great impact on you, as a reader, which I feel you have tried very hard to apply to your own writing. Whilst I believe it is great to model, I am a little bit worried about your product. It feels forced a lot of the time perhaps because it is so busy. I am not sure whether every sentence needed that much imagery or metaphorical language. As a result, the overal picture feels confusing. And though you are in a dream state, the impression of blur and confusion should be made clear by your precise diction.
For example, though I liked the personification of the sun in the first paragraph, I don't think you can have a colourless sky with a gleaming sun. This seems like a contradiction to me and instead of developing a powerful image, it puzzles.
Likewise, in "Laughing so coldly, tears streamed down my pale cracked skin, falling into an uncontrollable leer, trapped in a meaningless chortle" you cannot easily have a "meaningless chortle" nor have "leer" and "chortle" juxtaposed. Their connotations don't create contradiction if that was the intended effect, they imply ideas that don't match. Also, the syntax in this sentence implies that the tears are falling into an uncontrollable leer when you meant that you did that. You needed "I was" before "falling".
I do like how you wrap up your opening by bringing the reader back to reality in your penultimate paragraph, however.
Still, you have worked hard at creating a picture which has an impact on your reader and I congratulate you for that.
Lily of the Valley
Hello Lily,
DeleteDuring this piece, I challenged a more psychological view in which the protagonist of the story was trapped in a dream like state as you mentioned before, but after reviewing my work again, I realize that it may not make too much sense as it was my first attempt at such a theme and I tried too hard.
I will continue looking at the story in a psychological view (if we continue this task) but I will go at it again in a less complicated thought.
Thank You.
Hi Lemonic,
ReplyDeleteHere are a few things to consider when you next write:
Short phrases and paragraphs are extremely effective if used sparingly; if you look at opening 3, you can see that the sentences are developed to different lengths and allow the descriptions to flow and create cohesive images. Your extremely short paragraphs don't allow this to happen and add to the confusion which Lily of the Valley notes.
Part of the issue here is paragraph length, and part of it is the length of sentences -- many of yours have only two clauses before you move on to the next idea or image, and your clauses themselves are quite short. Try to use semicolons more sparingly and for specific effect; you can replace many of those here with commas and connectives which would also allow your work to flow more.
Finally, your choice of image does have to make sense and be clear to the reader. Review expressions such as 'discriminating impact' and 'deep white eyes'. For example, anything 'deep' implies a lack of light -- you're 'in' something, think of being deep in an abyss! So white eyes (brightness, light) can't be deep. The very natures of the two words are opposite.
I do believe that if you reign your metaphors in, you will be able to use your evidently vivid imagination and great vocabulary to create beautiful prose.
Keep up the hard work!
I actually really liked this! I mean, I agree that at times you needed to rein yourself in a little (such as in the paragraph beginning "A discriminating impact"), but the successes were fantastic. I guess it's all about balance: think of it like rich food; it's great for a few mouthfuls, but if the whole meal is intensely rich it can get a bit much, and if there isn't something else to balance out the richness than the richness itself can become less rich (if that makes sense!).
ReplyDeleteEasy to end up overwrought though, as I have found myself over the years. However, far easier to 'tone down' your writing a little and refine it to perfection than to inject rich life into pedestrian or lifeless prose - so I reckon you've done the hard stuff already, and, with patience and time, you can hone the skills you indubitably have. :)