Although i did want to emphasize the 'moon' while writing, i found it quite challenging so i placed an adjective before 'moon' thinking it would match the iambic pentameter but after reading your comment and going through my poem again, i realized i should have reconsidered that line.
Thanks for pointing that out, i'll take it into mind as to not repeat the mistake next time
I LOVE the second couplet - your extended 'dance' metaphor is original, striking and fresh, and something of which to be really proud. Well done!
I won't repeat the point about the slipped iamb in Line 1. But look again at Line 2: whilst it works iambically, it doesn't make complete sense to me. I am not sure the silhouette could be "eminent to night", and don't really know what that would mean. How about something like this instead: A silhouette united with the night OR A silhouette connected to the night
The only other point I would make (if I am being picky with what is some pretty impressive poetry) is about your tense in Lines 3-4. Elsewhere, you are writing in the present tense, which works; but here you slip into the past tense, which jars. How about omitting the "swift", leaving you with: "With eyes that gleam, she waltzes a duet"?
Hello, Lemonic.
ReplyDeleteI feel your first line is like this somewhat:
a MURky PALE MOON MASKS a SILhouETTE.
So you have the word "moon" that doesn't quite fit the iambic pentameter. Maybe you say this differently than me: forgive me if you do.
The other three lines are spectacular personifications and metaphors that represent the elegance and gentility of the cat. Great stuff.
Hi Allspark,
DeleteAlthough i did want to emphasize the 'moon' while writing, i found it quite challenging so i placed an adjective before 'moon' thinking it would match the iambic pentameter but after reading your comment and going through my poem again, i realized i should have reconsidered that line.
Thanks for pointing that out, i'll take it into mind as to not repeat the mistake next time
Hi, Lemonic.
ReplyDeleteI really found your poem interesting.
I do agree with Allspark, but other than that, I really did enjoy it.
This piece has described a cat really well, and that's why I found it really interesting.
I LOVE the second couplet - your extended 'dance' metaphor is original, striking and fresh, and something of which to be really proud. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI won't repeat the point about the slipped iamb in Line 1. But look again at Line 2: whilst it works iambically, it doesn't make complete sense to me. I am not sure the silhouette could be "eminent to night", and don't really know what that would mean. How about something like this instead:
A silhouette united with the night
OR
A silhouette connected to the night
The only other point I would make (if I am being picky with what is some pretty impressive poetry) is about your tense in Lines 3-4. Elsewhere, you are writing in the present tense, which works; but here you slip into the past tense, which jars. How about omitting the "swift", leaving you with:
"With eyes that gleam, she waltzes a duet"?
Well done!
Dear Lemony T,
ReplyDeleteI love how you have captured the elegance and independence of the cat. Absolutely spot on.
I won't repeat comments previously made so well done!