A stunning view of Glasgow in my room
All the buildings are covered by the moon,
As November is closing by
The chance of Winter is quite high,
Watching the building glow,
While playing in the snow,
The mighty sales,
It never fails,
Oh me,
Oh my!
I really liked your first 8 lines, which give a powerful impression of your chosen city. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI fear you have wasted the last two lines, though, which is a shame. More importantly, however, is the rhythm and meter.
You have achieved a good grasp of iambic meter in Lines 1 and Lines 6-10. Line 4 is almost there, although it doesn't sound right to have to emphasise "is" rather than "quite" to me.
Lines 2, 3 and 5 is where you need to work on the meter then. Let's look at one of them now, Line 2 - because it is SO close. "...are covered by the moon" works perfectly. But, for the first four syllables to fit, we would need to say them like this: "all THE builDINGS". That sounds silly, obviously. So how about starting with "The buildings", since that is iambic, and then add a monosyllabic adverb afterwards, like "now". This would give you: "The buildings now are covered by the moon". See how a minor change can rescue the rhythm of the entire line?
See if you can do the same for Lines 3 and 5?
Dear Narcissus T,
ReplyDeleteI like the mood you have created, the vivid diction helps create the playfulness. You did well with the rhymes too.
I do agree that the last two lines are wasted and even perhaps the previous two too as there seems to be a slight change in content: from the weather to shopping? Like you gradually went from November to Christmas?
You may want to review those last 4 lines and stick to your main idea, that of a cold night in Glasgow.
Look forward to the next task.