The City of Singapore
The City
of Singapore, beautiful
The sound
of its people, oh so peaceful,
The Colours and lights of
downtown
The crowded sounds of
Chinatown,
There is not a service
Where workers are
nervous,
The Bubble Tea
Wish it was free,
But it
Is not.
We certainly get a sense of the excitement of Singapore here, and of the liveliness of the city. So well done for that!
ReplyDeleteI can't help thinking you fall into the "rhyme trap" a bit though, as your rhymes are not as strong as they could be, and your meaning is weakened as a result. Be careful with that.
As for the rhythm and meter, you still have a long way to go. It is probably easier for me to say where you have got it right: have a look at Line 4, which is a WONDERFUL line of iambic tetrameter. Brilliant. Now see if you can see why, say, Lines 1, 2, 3, 5 and 6 are not iambic. Let's look at Line 1, for example. "Singapore" starts with a stressed syllable, and therefore the "Sing" must fall on an even syllable in the line (whereas you have it on Syllable 5). So let's bring it earlier, to syllable 2, and precede it with "My":
My Singapore.......beautiful.
That leaves you with a gap to fill, and one stressed as deeDUMdee - 3 syllables, with the middle one stressed. How about this:
My Singapore, a place so beautiful
Not amazing poetry, but can you see how it has repaired your rhythm, and manages to be perfect iambic pentameter?
Now see if you can do the same for the other lines where you slipped up...
Hi RCJJ,
ReplyDeleteWhile you're sorting out your iambic meter, you may wish to consider the images you're creating too.
You first present a peaceful image of the city, then the colours and crowds come crashing into the poem in lines 3-4. This is a great way of presenting a vivid and multifaceted experience of a place, but try to demonstrate that this contrast is what you're aiming for.
For example, show that it's a shift between peaceful people and colourful Chinatown by saying "Then colours and lights" rather than "The". This will prove you're not contradicting yourself.
Altering the beginnings of your lines will also improve your poem, so drop 'The' and feel free to get creative!
You have used some lovely assonance (repetition of vowel sounds inside words) in line 4 which you may notice helps the line to flow. Keep this in mind in future poem-writing, as it is a superb poetic technique.
Great effort, keep it up!
In fact, Line 4 is pretty impressive all round, it seems! :)
ReplyDelete