The leaves and trees become the heart within.
My mind, my fear begins to chill my skin.
I know this place, I know its feel
The joy, the love, the peace and zeal
Pick up a branch and hide
Down low where dirt resides
My life
Is here.
My mind, my fear begins to chill my skin.
I know this place, I know its feel
The joy, the love, the peace and zeal
Pick up a branch and hide
Down low where dirt resides
My life
Is here.
You've mastered the iambic meter with perfection, which is pretty impressive for the first task. And you give a richly metaphoric depiction of the forest, which is excellent, as is most of your vocabulary.
ReplyDeletePerhaps next time experiment with the odd polysyllabic word, just to stretch your iambic skills a little further.
I like your half-rhyme in Lines 5-6, but be careful with your rhyme at the end of Line 4 - zeal doesn't really fit here (look it up in a dictionary, and look at the sentences in the dictionary that put the word in context).
My only other concern would be what happens after Line 6. I have no problem with the phrase, "My life is here" - which is powerful and apt. But firstly, it doesn't rhyme; and, secondly, it seems to omit the two dimeters before it. Look again at the instructions and you'll see what I mean.
In a way, therefore, you've mastered the most difficult aspect of the task - the iambic meter - and you've shown your skill with language, but have tripped up on a couple of other things instead.
A good first effort though, of which you should be proud.
Hi Allspark,
ReplyDeleteI'd really like to know the message or idea which inspired your poem, and which you'd like to convey to the reader.
Your couplets (two consecutive lines which rhyme) present conflicting moods. For example your first two lines are dark and moody, full of fear and tension, while your second two imply contentment, comfort, peace and happiness. Was this intended?
Perhaps the missing dimeters could clarify why you feel these contrasting emotions about Epping Forest.
Overall, a great start to your Wordsmithy journey; well done!