This is the Creative Writing BLOG for gifted writers in the Secondary School at the International School Brunei.
Sunday 24 February 2013
Mans Best Friend
Mans Best Friend A faithful heart to be forever mine Golden fur to bury my teary face Never to walk in a straight line Pouncing paws, I hope he doesn't race
Have a close look at Line 1: it is a PERFECT example of iambic pentameter.
a FAITHful HEART to BE forEVer MINE
If you can fully understand WHY this line works so well, then you are well on the way to mastering the dreaded iamb completely.
Then see if you can figure out why the following are problematic: Line 2: "my teary face" is fine, but the rest of the line is 'trochaic' (which means it is DUMdee rather than deeDUM. Line 3: "to walk" and "straight line" are iambs, but the rest is not iambic, and you miss out a foot (i.e. two syllables) here too. Line 4: this is entirely trochaic (i.e. DUMdee), rather than iambic.
As for the images and ideas, I really like your first two lines, which bring to life what the dog means to you beautifully. But I can't help thinking Lines 3-4 are more written for convenient rhyme rather than because that is what you most wanted to say about the dog (beware the rhyme trap!). Am I right?
So you're getting there - you just need to ensure you learn from where you've slipped up, so you can master this tricky rhythm really soon. :)
Your first line is not only perfect in terms of meeting the challenge of being an iambic pentameter but it is also a very beautiful line that captures this unbreakable bond between dog and master. I love it.
I think line 3 could be rewritten altogether as, besides not being iambic, it doesn't contribute to the overall portrayal of the dog. When thinking about the dog, what other trait is so special that you could draw on?
Have a close look at Line 1: it is a PERFECT example of iambic pentameter.
ReplyDeletea FAITHful HEART to BE forEVer MINE
If you can fully understand WHY this line works so well, then you are well on the way to mastering the dreaded iamb completely.
Then see if you can figure out why the following are problematic:
Line 2: "my teary face" is fine, but the rest of the line is 'trochaic' (which means it is DUMdee rather than deeDUM.
Line 3: "to walk" and "straight line" are iambs, but the rest is not iambic, and you miss out a foot (i.e. two syllables) here too.
Line 4: this is entirely trochaic (i.e. DUMdee), rather than iambic.
As for the images and ideas, I really like your first two lines, which bring to life what the dog means to you beautifully. But I can't help thinking Lines 3-4 are more written for convenient rhyme rather than because that is what you most wanted to say about the dog (beware the rhyme trap!). Am I right?
So you're getting there - you just need to ensure you learn from where you've slipped up, so you can master this tricky rhythm really soon. :)
Dear Ringmaster,
ReplyDeleteYour first line is not only perfect in terms of meeting the challenge of being an iambic pentameter but it is also a very beautiful line that captures this unbreakable bond between dog and master. I love it.
I think line 3 could be rewritten altogether as, besides not being iambic, it doesn't contribute to the overall portrayal of the dog. When thinking about the dog, what other trait is so special that you could draw on?
thank you for your helpful tips,I will try to improve my piece based on the reply :)
ReplyDeleteHi, ringmaster,
ReplyDeleteI agree with lilyofthevalley and englishguru on line 3: it is an aspect of a dog I can relate to, but not a significant one enough.
I LOVED the “teary face” part on line 2, and I think this is definitely a significant characteristic of a dog.
Great work.