A wasteful city; pollution array.
A life, a dream, concealed in my dog days.
The beach, the trees, so cool; breezy.
Conflicting feelings surround me
But what else can I say?
At the end of the day…
Malaysia,
In Asia,
My cage.
My stage.
What I like most about this poem is the way in which your images and ideas encapsulate the "conflicting feelings" to which you refer. Powerful stuff!
ReplyDeleteAs for the rhythm and meter, you are often spot on, but you slip up a few times too.
For example, "A wasteful city" is perfect, and it is iambically sound to end with "array". But look again at "pollution": at that particular point in the line, you would need to say it as "POluTION" for it to fit, whereas we would normally say "poLUtion". Do you see what I mean?
The same goes for "breezy" in Line 3, "surround" in Line 4 etc. Look also at the words "my dog" in Line 2 and also "the end" in Line 6. See if you can work out what is wrong with them?
And I am not sure Asia can really count as the three syllables that would be necessary for that line to work.
Really good effort though - this is difficult stuff, and you're half way there. :)
Dear Lemonic T,
ReplyDeleteThough it's hard to capture as many feelings as one would want to in such a short poem, your title led me to expect more. What is it about Malaysia that makes you feel trapped as in prison and yet that makes you love it at the same time?
Maybe you could look into lines 5 and 6 and be more specific? Maybe concentrate on a city as opposed to a country? You seem to have both there.
A great effort. Well done!